This weekend was truly special, in many ways. I enjoyed each day to the point of losing track of time, something I rarely have the luxury of doing these days. I felt very calm and open in a spiritual way, and over the course of the last two days I made some discoveries, came to some realizations, and made some decisions based on them. I'd like to share some of that with you.
It all started on Saturday morning. Aspen and I slept in until 11am, something we've not been able to do much since I began home schooling Ashley. We got up and she played happily while I read mail and did some blogging. The weather outside here on Saturday was absolutely beautiful, and after getting really frustrated with my hubby, who wanted to lay on the couch in front of the TV and was in a foul mood, I decided that Aspen and I were spending the day outside in the warm, serotonin producing sunshine. We got dressed and headed out to the back of our garage, where we played with her high bounce ball, running after it up and down the hill behind our home. Once we got bored with that, we climbed the hill and explored the little wooded area a few feet beyond it.
Being in nature was too wonderful for words! I realized that I have really been neglecting that part of myself, the part that loves nature, feels at one with the Earth, and loves to be outdoors in the sun. Aspen loved every minute of it too, and had a ball tossing rocks down the other side of the hill, picking little flowers here and there and just wandering aimlessly with Mommy in tow. Having me all to herself was great for her too, and she ate up every minute of my undivided attention.
When we got hungry we made ourselves a lunch of sandwiches and green tea and had a little picnic in one of the grassy areas of our neighborhood. Aspen enjoyed this too, and was fascinated by the little lone ant who visited us. She fed him a piece of her sandwich and was quite upset when I almost folded him up in the towel when we were done.
After lunch we headed over to the neighborhood pool, where it was warm enough for us to enjoy lying in the sun and splashing with our feet in the cold pool water. Aspen had fun playing with some of her plastic sippy cups at the edge of the water while I had the chance to talk to and reconnect a bit with my oldest, Kelly. She and I have had a really difficult time getting along over the past several months, and now that she is working nights, we don't see much of each other. Talking together was nice, and we were both making an extra effort to get along.
On Sunday, the weather was still nice, although not as warm. I finally managed to get Shawn off the couch and we piled into the car and went over to a nearby local park we'd been wanting to visit. There was a very nice playground and Aspen had a blast running, climbing, swinging and sliding. Kelly came with us, and enjoyed swinging on the swings and being in the sun. When the playground started to get crowded we took off on a walk down one of the nature trails, where we found a quick flowing brook into which Aspen tossed rocks and squealed with delight at the plunky splashing sound they made. After our mini-hike we planted ourselves on a nearby grassy hill and had a picnic lunch.
After the park, Aspen helped me brew up a batch of organic green tea and then we went back to the pool to hang out and tease our toes with the chilly water.
Throughout the weekend, realizations came to me. I realized that I have been not only neglecting certain parts of myself, but that I have been neglecting myself almost completely. I realized that I have come into a way of thinking that causes me to feel guilty anytime I take time for myself or do something that interests me, instead of spending every single waking moment catering to my family.
Don't get me wrong here, I do truly embrace my role as caretaker and home maker, but lately I have really gotten off-balance with the level to which I feel I must sacrifice for them. In doing so I am setting a poor example for my girls, not to mention spoiling them all (especially my husband) absolutely rotten.
Neglecting ourselves too much will ultimately hurt our family, not help them. I have gotten to the point where I am tired, impatient and quick to anger and that is always a sign to me that I need a little TLC. When our children or husbands get that way, we see that it is due to a need and try to help by meeting those needs right? Well, then...why do so many of us not do the same for ourselves?
Many of you ladies reading this are probably blessed with husbands who will see your needs and try to meet them, at least sometimes. This is not really the case in my situation. My hubby will sometimes try to help, if I directly ask or if the symptoms of my needs (ie my bad mood) start to affect him. Oftentime, his help comes with a lot of childish complaining or pouting. Otherwise, I am on my own.
At any rate, I digress. My point here was not to bash my mate, he is who he is. It's up to me to care for myself properly. The neglect I've subjected myself to lately just became really clear to me, and so I have come up with a plan to correct this. I've tentatively come up with a new routine that will give me a few minutes each day to pamper myself a little, and I've also set a goal for myself to lose 15-20 pounds by June. I also had a talk with my hubby about the sleep schedule and he agreed that I could adjust the hours to better suit us, so long as we get in the 4-5 hours a day that we are required to.
As far as the weight loss goes, a very stressful winter this year really did a number on my eating habits and general health. I tend to be a big comfort eater and most of my comfort foods are high in fat and sugar and just generally not nutritious. On a recent visit to the doctor I weighed in at 135 pounds, which according to the doctor is about 15 pounds over a healthy weight for my 5'1" frame. I can feel the extra weight in many ways. I lack energy and have been having lower back problems, and aching hips and knees. Not to mention that I don't like what I see when I look in the mirror, and that's never good. Plus, the poor diet has affected my hair and skin negatively as well.
Thankfully, eating better and losing weight is usually not difficult for me and I am grateful for that. Typically it only requires an increased awareness and a little discipline. I started on Saturday with the following changes:
1) I stopped drinking soda. I've written about kicking this habit before, and for me it is a bit of an addiction. If I go without it for a few days the desire for it wanes a lot, but if I start drinking it on a regular basis I start to crave it and I get cranky when there's none in the house. Since Saturday I have gone from drinking 3-4 cans a day to only having had a few sips here and there all weekend. Instead I've been drinking green tea, which I love and of which the health benefits are well-known.
2) I am listening to my body. I am only allowing myself to eat when I actually
feel hungry. This is not the desire to eat, but actual physical hunger sensations. The amount of food I am taking in has dropped dramatically the past two days and I feel great.
3) I am getting more exercise. Playing with Aspen is the best (and most fun) way to do this. Just getting up and moving around more is my goal for now, and on warm days getting outdoors is a priority.
In addition to a little extra self-care and my weight loss, I am also looking at other areas where I have let things fall off. I find there are a lot of really small things, like listening to my favorite music sometimes instead of always letting everyone else have theirs on, and reading for pleasure sometimes instead of always reading what I think I should be reading. After doing just a little bit of things like that over this weekend, I feel like a new woman!
I have some energy, I'm not dehydrated (from the soda), I'm more relaxed and I have more patience, and I my self-confidence is higher. All of this comes together to increase my capacity for loving feelings toward my family, and I have felt kinder and more loving toward them all.
Life is good.