Wondering

Today I sit, with my sleeping baby stretched across my lap, my brain full of questions, wondering.

I am wondering why Aspen has been so well-behaved these last few days while Ashley has been sick in bed with the crud? Is it because she's had me more? Is it because the resentment Ashley feels toward helping (that is now so evident in spite of her denials) was absent? Is it because I have purposed to be kinder, gentler and prayed for God's grace to do it? Is it because her Daddy has really been helping out, and he and I have been closer and there's been no fighting between us? Why is my little girl one way with me alone all day, and another with her sister who used to be her best buddy? I wonder.

I am wondering why there is suddenly so much resentment, so much anger bubbling to the surface in my DD#2. Are we headed down the same path as DD#1 and I? The thought produces a lump in my throat and I pray earnestly for guidance and the strength to be a good example and not someone who inspires loathing and mistrust. A few tears well and I swipe them away. Where are the days when we found such joy together in the making of home and the care of Aspen? Are they gone forever? Perhaps I am holding on too tight. Perhaps too much has already transpired to find that joy again? I wonder as I softly weep.

I am wondering why my DD#1 no longer lives in my home or under my rule yet still feels the need to rebel? Why would she flaunt poor choices and actions I don't approve of? I've done my share of rebelling, enough to know it's useless and self-destructive. I hate to think it matters to her so much to prove something to me that she would put herself in a dangerous situation, swear her sister to secrecy and then announce her actions to me after the fact and expound on why she didn't tell me. I'm wondering how a mother and her wanted, dreamed-of, longed-for baby girl have grown into women so distant and cold to each other. She would never believe my tears for her are real, and I wonder, why?

I am wondering what is happening in my husband's heart. There has been change these last few weeks. He's been helping with the house and the kids. He's done laundry, played games, watched Thomas with Aspen. He seems to have stepped back into the role of husband and father. I am wondering if it's real, and if it will last. Could it be the Lord at work in his heart, at last, after years of praying for change, for his salvation, for unity and love restored? It feels different than past changes that have not lasted.

I pause writing this to greet his arrival home from work, and in faith in this new change I ask him to pick up the girls from the pool. His reaction is much more the old than the new, and I wonder why I wondered, why I hoped. Can a future be judged by one moment? It should not but often in our marriage it can. And as joy melts to disappointment, I wonder.