This music is mine and Abby's, music I softly swayed my hips to in preparation for her birth. Music I hummed to as I absently stroked that growing belly and tuned out the chaos around me. Music I lost myself in as my body labored to deliver her. Music that played as I met her for the first time. Music I rocked her to sleep to in a darkened room, her tiny body cradled against me. It's as beautiful as the dance we danced to it, the dance of mother and child.
We've said we've made the decision not to have any more. Practically speaking this is the best decision, for reasons financial and practical. Reasons of marriage and siblings and dynamics and how much work one mama can handle. Our heads say we're done. Our hearts say otherwise.
Days rise and fall with the boundless energy of my little ones, punctuated with chores and teen things and bills and laundry. Some days are beautiful, some days I pray for bedtime and fall into bed exhausted, a young child under each arm. And as I drift off, thoughts of the one that might still be hover around me, just as they do for most of those crazy days.
I still want her. Or him. Him would be really special. Either way the desire is still there and still strong. When the practical falls away, and I silence the voices of those who would gasp in horror at the idea, and I am left with only my bare naked heart, I feel that desire so strongly.
A stomach ache off and on this week almost made me want to test. Breastfeeding my little ones has always been reliable birth control for me, and as Abby is still going strong, the chances are slim enough that I've not bothered, but the thought stirs up all those wanting feelings.
I have no answers. I have only my faith in Jesus and my prayers for Him to take the wheel on this road. And I have this beautiful music. Enjoy...
Enjoy more Imperfect Prose here.
4 comments:
I've never heard that music, but it's pretty!
It's such a tough decision. We had decided to stop at 3, but did have a little scare about a year later. When I found I wasn't pregnant we were both kind of disappointed.
We knew it was for the best though. :(
Thanks for visiting Graceful, Melinda. It sounds like we are both on paths toward trusting God.
trust is so hard, so blind... yet we have One who promises to be our all. praying this for you, this utter peace. thanks so much for linking, dear friend. xo
music does the same for me...It soothes me, calms my soul and helps me sit still with my thoughts...i often go for a walk with my earplugs and usually listen some smooth jazz then - and then start to breathe and relax and get calm again...
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